Chapter 1, the shadow
As I wake up in the morning thinking about everything that was and has been, I say nothing. I just stare at the ceiling that seems to come crashing down on me. I wake up again, dreaming, everything is dark, I feel stuck, but I can’t get out. I stop for a moment and then it hits me. I have been doing this for so long now, how late is it?
As I open my eyes the familiar white flaky ceiling comes back in my vision. I am back to reality, so I stand up and grab my clothes to put on. Colours, texture, it does not matter, I don’t see them anyway, I only see what is and what is not. I put on my headphones and the world around me starts to fade away. My favourite song plays, moonshine sonata. I listen to the song and imagine myself floating away out of my window above the clouds into space. It’s peaceful up here above all else where nothing matters. I feel free and it feels good, but that feeling is short lived as a sudden darkness appears. The darkness swallows me whole, and I open my eyes, he is back, the shadow.
The shadow speaks to me inside my head. ‘You are back again, what a surprise’ I say. The shadow does not say anything, but it moves towards me, and I start to see a hand that reaches out towards me. It taps my shoulder, and a person appears I can’t make out any details, but I know it’s a person. The shadow speaks: ‘I am a part of you, I live inside you’. I talk back saying: ‘You appeared after that day, the day I…’. I start remembering that day and it plays back in my head.
It was a Friday morning; I was a second-grade student at high school. I never had great social skills with people my age, but with classmates I probably had none. I always tried to fit in, but I was just weird and over the top. I did everything and even tried to bribe people in to becoming my friend, because it was the only thing I could, but it did not matter. I always got bullied repeatedly. It just would not stop; they laughed as I embarrassed and hurt myself, trying to be a part of a group that didn’t like me. At one point I called out something somebody did, and they got angry so after class him and his friend came up to me and pushed me around, I got punched and beat up. I didn’t try to fight back, because I always got into trouble when I did so I just let it happen. Sometime after the bullies left, my friend saw me and came up to me. That friend helped me to tell the teachers, and I thanked him afterwards.
When I got home that day when both my parents weren’t there. I did the one act that nobody should ever try. I grabbed a rope of emotions and tried to strangle myself drowning in negative thoughts. After 5 minutes that felt like 50 years I saw it. I didn’t see a light, golden gate or pearly white stairs, no, I saw darkness, within that darkness I saw myself surrounded by family and friends in tears. Behind myself I saw him, the shadow, then I heard a voice within me, it said: ‘is this really what you want?’. I answered back whilst crying: ‘I don’t know, I want it to stop, the pain, make it stop’. The shadow said: ‘If you do it, it would hurt the people that care about you, think about their pain’. ‘It’s not fair, I just want to be happy’ I said. That’s when the shadow said: ‘You only live once so why end it so soon, just don’t worry, I ‘ll be there to help you’. ‘You’ll be there for me?’ I asked. ‘Yes’, the shadow said.
From that moment forward I had a friend always there, looking over my shoulder. Because of the incident I switched schools. Back to a private school that I went to before high school. I felt accepted there, they tried to understand me, but they didn’t understand me at, all nobody does, that’s why I have the shadow. The Shadow told me I should call him a Phantom, so that’s what I did.
Phantom said he could reshape me on the outside, but he couldn’t change what resides in my spirit. He said he wouldn’t change my spirit even if he could, because what’s inside my spirit is special. ‘What’s special about my spirit?’ I asked. Phantom said: ‘You are one of the chosen ones, you see things, hear things, and feel things no one else can’. Phantom told me to remember things about the young me, when I was a kid. I think to myself and then I remember. When I was a child, I saw shadow people. They would keep me awake at night and I would not be able to sleep, because they scared me. That’s why I got a light, after some time they started disappearing to never return.
Phantom told me the reason the shadows disappeared wasn’t, because of the light, it was me blocking out everything and locking my spirit away. When I met phantom that spirit was enlightened once more. He told me not to worry about anything and we started training. I fell asleep that night and phantom was there. ‘Welcome’, he said. He taught me everything I needed to know on how to become the perfect being. That night lasted years and it turned me into me.
Waking up that morning felt great, I felt freed of the burden of pretending. I can be myself again; I can finally be happy. As I get out of bed, I see Shadow guiding me to put on clothes. Something’s missing but I cannot figure out what it is. Then I start to notice the clothes the colours and textures are gone. It’s just grey, different shades of grey. Phantom told me not to worry, it might look grey to me but on the outside its colours are full and pretty. The whole day I seem to not be walking but gliding like a ghost. It felt so relaxing just floating not having to worry about anything. I wish that feeling could last forever, but I get back to the present.
As I’m writing this, I feel empty like something’s missing. I hope after I finish this chapter of my life or writing this book that the empty space inside me will start to fill up with hope once again. I remember watching a show, the show ‘Dexter Morgan’. I think about phantom, is he a dark passenger? Phantom might be a shadow but not a dark passenger.
